Almost Asleep

/ dogs, thoughts

The Weight of New Beginning

The puppy was almost asleep. This was her first night in a new house. She was stressed because she had left her mum and the familiar environment she used to know before today. The cushion beneath her small body felt alien—too clean, too stiff, smelling of fabric softener rather than the warm musk of her littermates. Her golden curls, still downy with youth, trembled with each shallow breath as she fought against the pull of exhaustion.

The sitting room stretched around her like a cathedral of unfamiliarity. Shadows pooled in corners where furniture loomed with angular menace, their edges softened only by the amber glow from a table lamp that hummed with electric persistence. The carpet beneath her makeshift bed felt synthetic under her paws—nothing like the worn wooden floors of the breeder's kitchen where she had spent her first eight weeks tumbling over siblings who shared her scent, her warmth, her understanding of the world's boundaries.

She lifted her head slightly, ears pricked with the hypervigilance of displacement. Every sound carried weight here: the refrigerator's mechanical sigh from the kitchen, the settling of timber bones within the house's skeleton, the distant hum of traffic that never quite ceased. In her previous home, night sounds had been predictable—her mother's rhythmic breathing, the gentle snores of her brothers and sisters pressed against her flanks, the occasional creak of the breeder's footsteps overhead.

Her new humans had tried their best. The woman—Sarah, the man had called her—had knelt beside this very cushion hours earlier, her voice pitched high and soft in that peculiar tone adults reserved for the very young and the very vulnerable. Her fingers had traced tentative paths through the puppy's coat, uncertain yet eager, as if she feared her touch might somehow cause damage. The gesture had been kind, but lacked the assured confidence of the breeder's hands, which had known exactly how much pressure to apply, where to scratch, when to pause.

The puppy shifted, her small body seeking a position that might approximate comfort. The cushion gave beneath her weight with a different resistance than flesh—too uniform, too yielding. She missed the irregular landscape of sleeping siblings, the way one's paw might serve as another's pillow, how bodies naturally arranged themselves into configurations of mutual warmth. Here, she was an island of solitude in an ocean of space that felt both too large and somehow suffocating.

Through the front window, streetlights cast geometric patterns across the wall—bars of light and shadow that moved with the restless sway of tree branches. The effect was mesmerising yet unsettling, like watching the world through prison bars. In her birth home, windows had looked out onto a garden where sparrows gossiped in hedgerows and cats occasionally appeared to stalk through flower beds with purposeful nonchalance. This new view offered only the sterile regularity of suburban order: identical houses with identical windows glowing with identical blue television light.

Her stomach cramped with a hollow ache that wasn't entirely hunger. The food bowl in the kitchen remained half-full—the kibble too large for her mouth, too different from the warm milk that had sustained her first weeks. She had managed a few pieces earlier, crunching them with determination whilst Sarah watched anxiously, mistaking appetite for adjustment. But eating had felt like betrayal somehow, an acknowledgement that this new reality might become permanent.

A car passed outside, its headlights sweeping across the ceiling before fading into distance. The puppy's eyes followed the arc of light, and for a moment she imagined it might be connected to the world she knew—that perhaps if she could somehow follow its trajectory, she might find her way back to the familiar chaos of the whelping box, to the reassuring bulk of her mother's warm belly, to the competitive comfort of feeding time when the world narrowed to nothing but milk and contentment.

The central heating clicked off with a decisive thunk, and the house settled into deeper quiet. Without the mechanical whisper of warm air circulation, every other sound became amplified: her own breathing, the tick of a clock somewhere in another room, the distant rumble of a lorry navigating the main road beyond the estate. Each noise felt like a question mark punctuating the silence, demanding attention she was too exhausted to give.

She remembered the morning's journey with painful clarity. The carrier had smelled of disinfectant and previous occupants—other animals who had travelled this route between old lives and new ones. Through the ventilation holes, she had watched familiar landscape dissolve into motorway monotony, then reshape itself into this new geography of terraced houses and tidy gardens. Sarah had spoken to her throughout the journey, maintaining a steady stream of reassurance that the puppy couldn't understand but recognised as an attempt at comfort.

Her bladder pressed with urgent need, but the prospect of navigating the darkness to find the newspaper-covered corner that had been designated for such purposes seemed overwhelming. In her old home, relief had been as simple as shifting position within the whelping box, where her mother's tongue would clean away evidence of basic needs with matter-of-fact efficiency. Here, every biological function carried the weight of judgment, the potential for disappointment, the complex choreography of house-training that she didn't yet comprehend.

The clock in the hallway chimed midnight with brass authority, each note resonating through the house's architectural bones. Twelve strikes marking the division between one day and the next, between the last day of her old life and the first full day of whatever this would become. The sound lingered in the air like a declaration, formal and final.

From somewhere upstairs came the muffled sound of voices—Sarah and her partner discussing something in tones too low to distinguish individual words. The puppy's ears swiveled toward the sound, catching fragments: "...seems scared..." "...give her time..." "...bound to take a while..." Their concern was palpable even through the floor and walls, but it felt abstract, disconnected from the immediate reality of her displacement. They meant well, but they couldn't comprehend the specific weight of her loss, the particular texture of her homesickness.

A memory surfaced: her mother's rough tongue rasping against her fur in methodical strokes that served as both hygiene and affection. The sensation had been as fundamental as breathing, as necessary as warmth. Her mother had possessed an intuitive understanding of each puppy's needs—when to encourage play, when to enforce rest, when to offer the comfort of physical closeness. That knowledge had been encoded in millennia of maternal instinct, refined through evolution into precision.

Sarah's touch earlier had been gentle but uncertain, guided by good intentions rather than intuitive understanding. Her hands had hesitated where her mother's tongue had moved with confidence, seeking permission where none had been needed before. The difference between learned kindness and instinctive care felt as vast as the distance between this house and her birth home.

The puppy closed her eyes, but sleep remained elusive. Behind her lids, images flickered: the brass food bowls where she had learned competition, the cardboard barriers that had defined her universe, the breeder's face appearing above the whelping box each morning like a benevolent sun. That world had possessed clear boundaries, predictable rhythms, the security of routine established by generations of dogs who had occupied the same space.

Here, everything awaited definition. The house held potential but no certainty, possibility but no precedent. She would need to establish new routines, learn new rules, decode the particular language of these new humans who spoke to her with earnest affection but didn't yet understand the grammar of her needs.

Another car passed, this one slowing as if searching for a specific address. Its engine note changed pitch as it accelerated again, and the puppy wondered if somewhere another small creature was experiencing its own night of displacement, its own reckoning with the weight of new beginnings. The thought was neither comforting nor distressing—simply another fragment of awareness in a consciousness still learning to categorise experience.

The cushion beneath her had warmed slightly from her body heat, becoming marginally more familiar through the simple alchemy of shared temperature. Her muscles began to relax despite her emotional vigilance, exhaustion finally asserting its claim over anxiety. The day's experiences had drained her reserves, leaving her vulnerable to sleep's insistent pull.

As consciousness began its slow retreat, the puppy's last coherent thought was of tomorrow—of daylight that might render this foreign landscape less threatening, of the possibility that Sarah's uncertain kindness might evolve into something approaching understanding, of the gradual accumulation of shared moments that might eventually constitute home. For now, though, there was only the weight of her small body against an unfamiliar cushion, the steady rhythm of her breathing, and the tentative hope that sleep might offer temporary refuge from the complexity of beginning again.

click at the bottom of the image to play the video

Previous Post Next Post